Luke - 0

9mi, 74:35 (8:17)

I had an easy run planned for today, but it's looking like I won't be able to get out to the trail 10k I was hoping to run on Saturday, since Zack's car is in the shop, so since I felt pretty good and the weather's amazing I headed off into the trees and hills. Glad I did...

I took a circuitous route to get to the Relentless Hills area, went up and over the back side of The Wall, down to this open section that Google Maps claims is a park but it's really just a large clearing with a gravelly-grassy road that kinda winds its way through. Uh, here it is. I figured I'd do a few timed laps around it and head back towards home...I have a route that goes from the gate into the "park" and then on the way back I hurdle the gate and there's a post like 50-100 meters later that I have deemed the finish. Anyway, on my first one, a bit past halfway, I came around the bend and there was a deer standing there maybe sixty meters away. I slowed down and stopped maybe 30-40 meters from it and we looked at each other. It's no secret that it has been my goal for quite some time now to run down a deer and tackle it, so of course as soon as I realized this was my chance to try that, my body dumped like a gallon of adrenaline into my stomach. So I gave the deer my best growl-roar (which was probably VERY lame) and just started sprinting at it. It was still facing me at that point so I didn't really know what I would do if it just stood there. I guess jump over the front of it? Probably getting low like a football player would have been the best plan. Anyway it did turn and run, when I was like 5-10 meters from it, and went down the path-road that was pretty much my course anyway. It took a shortcut over/through some bushes but came out onto the road again right after. It was putting some distance on me, going pretty fast, not just jogging like the deer I caught up to on Rexius a couple years ago. I of course was going all-out, trying to remember to use my arms and keep quick turnover and stuff. It was like 20m in front of me when we both came around what is the last turn in in my circuit...and of course that's where the gate is! The gate is maybe close to as tall as a "high" track hurdle, which is higher than you think when you see a race...and it has a wire going from near one side to like five feet up on the other side, so there's only a couple-feet-wide section where you can go over...I'm probably not explaining it very well but suffice it to say it's always a tough jump. So we get to the gate and the deer slowed down a little but then took a few quick steps and just absolutely launched into the air, it was maybe the craziest thing I've ever seen. It probably cleared the gate by like four feet...it was absolutely insane. Tough act to follow but I had a ton of speed behind me so I did my best Edwin Moses and tried to take off as far behind the gate as possible...I made it over pretty well actually, probably didn't lose any ground on the deer. A couple seconds later, though, it turned left off the road and through bushes and crap. I figured the chase would be over at that point, but it hadn't taken a full 90º turn so a few seconds later I was able to make the turn onto the path that I had taken to get to the road in the first place, and since the deer was wading through the bush and I was on firm (if uneven) ground I was able to go faster than the deer and sorta cut it off. The deer was heading toward the path at about a 45º angle when I guess it saw me and turned a bit more away from me. At that point the brush the deer was running through ran out, and it headed up the path for probably 200m, just barely in front of me. I thought maybe if the deer was stupid enough to stay on the path, I might be able to chase it down after a bit. But of course it wised up and cut into the trees after not too long, and I once again figured I wouldn't quite be able to catch it. I gave chase anyway, at that point I was barely running, just trying to get through the trees as quickly as possible. I lost sight of the deer a few times and just went sorta straight and tried to listen for it crashing through the woods. I was getting scratched up all to hell but I didn't care cause I still had a bit of adrenaline going and it was also really fun. Anyway I crash through the woods a bunch more and completely lose the deer but I come to a clearing, which I realize is the "park" where I first saw the deer. I cross the road/path and hop through some brush-type stuff to get back on another section of the road/path. At this point I'm just jogging and all the adrenaline is gone, I'm pleasantly tired. And then, of course, I see the deer again! It's sort of trotting along on a section of path parallel to mine, like 80 meters away, and it doesn't see me. I get another shot of adrenaline and take off as fast as I can down my section of path, hoping to cut it off where the two sections meet. It was slightly downhill so I'm just flying, and the deer is just trotting along like it's cooling down. I get a lot closer than I expected I'd be able to, and the deer is just oblivious...I'm pretty much on a collision course when it looks up and sees me. I know deer have huge eyes to begin with but I swear it got bug-eyed like it was a cartoon...okay, that's probably just my imagination. Also it let out a weird kind of grunt that I can't describe but could imitate for you...I know it sounds like one of the sounds from MarioKart 64, but I can't remember what sound it is...I think maybe "annoyed Donkey Kong" or something? Anyway so I'm charging at it, it sees me, makes the weird noise, and tries to turn 180º and run. It stumbles/slips a little, sorta falling all over itself, before it gets into its stride...but I'm already in the air. I was aiming for my torso right on top of the deer's back, with my hands coming over its shoulders, but it accelerated a little bit quicker than I'd calculated so I ended up with my face barely on its back, I think my left nipple was on its tail if that gives you an idea. My arms were fully outstretched and I tried to get somewhat of a grip on its belly, but the deer was running so I was pretty much sliding off its back when my hands caught the tops of its legs and I held on with all my strength. My face was by the lower part of its legs, which is exactly where I didn't want to be...I was thinking of the video of the dog that gets between a doe and her fawn...the dog gets hella stomped. I'll let you look for it on YouTube if you're into graphic violence. Anyway lucky for me the deer was trying to run rather than kick, so my face didn't get mashed in by a hoof...did get a bit of a talking to by the ground, but it was mostly grassy (though with rocks) where this was going down so my pretty face is still mostly intact. As I fell off the back of the deer, I was able to pull it by its legs down, to the left, and it landed on its side and its legs immediately all shot up into the air and the deer flailed around a bit as it rolled onto its back. I was also on my back by that point, but I was able to recover a bit more quickly, and in one motion turned my body around to be facing down, shot myself forward, and threw myself over the deer. I sort of made my body sweep over the deer so as to take the legs out of the equation. The deer is now on its side and I'm lying face down on it, pretty much spread eagle, with my face inches from the deer's. So I did the first thing that came to mind, which looking back I think was the best thing I could have done...I kissed the deer on the cheek, then jumped off and sprinted away. I looked back when I was like 20m away and saw that the deer was getting up and trotting away, and seemed totally fine.

So, uh, yeah...best run ever.

Edit 4/12: changed the mileage in the title to 0 so as not to mess with statistical things...